March 12, 2014

1.  Turned on IPR preparing for my daily count of the words "emerald ash borer."
2. Wondered what made this whole emerald ash borer thing such a tragic deal that they were quarantining firewood. Really, is the ash tree so special we will be grief stricken if we are stuck with oaks and maples?
3. Realized it was festival week and grew increasingly enraged at the irrational plan public media puts into action 4 times a year to hold my programming hostage while they beg for money. Truly, does ANYONE stay on their station when they do this? Are there people who drive all the way to work jamming to the sound of Drury Bouskaren promising to give them a coffee mug for a $75 donation. The $1000 "gift" might be lunch with Drury Bouskaren and I might want that so I can see what someone named Drury looks like.
4. Changed it to 100.3 and sang loudly all the way to work.
5. Pulled into the lot with Aerosmith blaring. Waited in the car while screaming "Dude look like a lady!" yelps and all.
6. Wondered whatever happened to that girl named Sonya who lip-synched to that at the OHS talent show in 89.
7. Noticed that she pronounced her name differently than my college friend Sonya and I wondered which Sonya was right. Then I wondered if the two Sonya's would get into a high fight if I threw them in a cage and made them call each other by the other pronunciation.
8. Exited my car looking around to see if any students witnessed my solo performance. I was safe.
9. Wondered again why I can't play the drums.
10. Felt like a washed up failure once again for not growing up to be Sheila E.
11. Decided Friday I would take up jogging in the pursuit of at least being able to wear gold lame' like Sheila E. When it comes back into style I will be ready.
12. Wondered if Sonya from high school also needed to take up jogging.
13. Wondered if Heidi from high school had also grown fat or if she was only ugly with meanness like always.
14. Made my way to my classroom, glancing at the post-it a student had put on my door. "You make a difference!" it said.
15. Determined that today I would make a difference and maybe Sheila E. wouldn't and certainly Heidi from high school wouldn't.
16. Found the poem Annabel Lee was going around in my head and began to recite it.
17. Ended it with "quoth the Raven nevermore" which, of course is not right but is sort of funny to me today.
18. Stood in the hallway shouting hello to students knowing I would be the world's best Wal-mart greeter and hoping they know I am actually excited to see them.
19. Wondered whether PLINKO would be on Price is Right Friday since it would be spring break.
20. Dug through my box of random hats and costume pieces noticing the month old lunch tray I had hidden in my drawer, knowing that my sloppy ways are only indicative of a creative rock-star spirit.
 

February 1, 2014

 1. Woke up feeling sore from dancing last night at Hairball.

2.     Congratulated myself for being cool enough to have been dancing at Hairball.

3.     Mentally acknowledged I was dancing in a pack of middle-aged women trying to relive their youth and decided that was still cool.

4.     Composed a Facebook post that made my trip to Hairball sound cool and exciting in an effort to make all of my friends jealous.

5.     Remembered tomorrow is scout Sunday at church and I hate scout Sunday.

6.     Posted about how much I hate scout Sunday.

7.     Remembered I am a scout leader and have to go to scout Sunday.

8.     Went to my 10 year old son’s basketball game.

9.     Commented on how much larger the other team members were than Jason’s.

10.  Contemplated asking to see their birth certificates and/or school permits as I suspected they may have been pulling a Chinese gymnastics team-style stunt.

11.  Walked to the car thinking about how amazing it was that ping-pong changed the world.

12.  Got home and checked my Facebook, discovering I had offended friends with a post about fishnet stockings on women over 40.

13.  Changed my post to one about side ponytails.

14.  Checked my Facebook again and realized I had offended friends with my post about how much I dislike scout Sunday.

15.  Composed a Facebook post about offensive Facebook posts.

16.  Went grocery shopping with Jason and he said “Let’s pretend I am the dad and everything you put in the cart you have to say, “’Can I have this, Dad?’ first.”

17.  Said “Can I have this dad, 27 times before I gave up.

18.  Got to the check out and when the girl at the check out asked me if I had found everything ok, I said “No, the multi-grain tortilla chips were hidden behind the regular tortilla chips and it was nearly a disaster.”

19.  Realized she didn’t really think my close call fit into the category of not finding everything ok.

20.  As my groceries were being rung up, I looked across the store and waved at a friend.

21.  Realized she was not actually my friend, panicked and pretended I was trying to shake my hand to improve circulation. Shouted loudly, “Darn hand! It fell asleep again!”

22.  Got home and checked Facebook ,realizing I offended a friend with my post about side ponytails.

23.  Decided I had Facebooked enough for the day.

January 2014

Drove home in a blizzard listening to the announcer on public radio read the weather, repeatedly telling me there was no snow in central Iowa, only north of Highway 20.

I wondered if the announcer on public radio really couldn’t see out the window and thought about calling her to inform her of the weather in case she needed my help.

Listened to the NPR news while I drove and wondered why all the newscasters on NPR have strange names like Oddy and Drury.

Wondered what it would be like to grow up with a name like Oddy.

Wondered why I didn’t have a cool name like Oddy.

Wondered why the NPR newscasters all have strange voices and then tried to mimic their voices. Kept saying “I’m Oddy Cornish” over and over until I pulled into my garage

Pulled into my garage and remembered I had to take my daughter’s car in to get the brakes fixed.

Swore a little bit and told her to get in her car and I would follow her in the blizzard to the garage.

Drove to the garage.

Guy behind the counter explained to me that, because it was 10 minutes until they closed, he wouldn’t get to my car until tomorrow and I wondered whether he really thought I wanted him to fix my brakes in 10 minutes.

Gave the guy the keys anyway.

Drove home muttering “I’m Steve Inskiv,” in my continued effort to have a voice that is worthy of NPR news.

Checked my Facebook to see if the friend who unfriended me had decided to request my friendship again. He hadn’t.

Composed a Facebook status that made me sound nicer than I am.

Grumbled about how much I hate making dinner.

Posted to Facebook how much I hate making dinner, hoping my friends would feel sorry for me and tell my husband he is a tyrant because he insists on eating dinner every day.

Checked my email and learned my son got in trouble at school again.

Talked to my husband about the infraction, informing him that teachers simply struggle to handle boys as brilliantly creative as our son and husband agrees

Had a conversation with my son where we pretended the teacher was right and withheld the information that he is a creative genius. We will reveal that sometime later like a Hogwarts admission letter. Best to keep him a little more humble now.

Wondered what student of mine would be creatively misunderstood tomorrow as Karma’s way of getting me back.

     

February 9, 2012

1.     Graded paper rewrites and late papers until 5:00

2.     Got home and noticed Emily was tutoring her friend in Algebra II. Said hello to the friend thinking how amazing it is I have a kid so good at math.

3.     Told the little kids to be careful playing live action angry birds and then took Natalie to dance.

4.     Stopped and got gas at the full service station congratulating myself on timing my need for gas so that I was on the right side of town for the full service station.

5.     Stopped at the Fareway for barbeque sauce and hamburger buns.

6.     Said excuse me to a giant man who kept walking in front of me and I wondered why women make their husbands and giant adult sons go grocery shopping with them because they always get in my way.

7.     Walked out to my car with the Fareway guy (and considerably more than hamburger buns and BBQ sauce) and realized I know the mom parked next to me who is going out at the same time. I hoped she wouldn’t look at my trunk because it is filled with so much garbage it looks like I belong on some TLC reality show.

8.     Got home just as my husband was pulling in.

9.     The little kids are still playing live action angry birds and I hope they don’t throw Sophia too far.

10.  Made supper and explained to my husband that Emily’s friend doesn’t need our leftovers.

11.  Texted my best friend to remind her she will be 40 tomorrow.

Texted my best friend to remind her this is the 27^th birthday she has had with me as a friend.

12.  Ate supper

13.  Helped Jason make a spelling crossword puzzle, a spelling song, and look up all his spelling words, complaining the entire time about why he waited until the last minute to do his week of spelling and loudly questioning the usefulness of spelling packets.

14.  Went ballistic when Jason informed me he wanted to do an extra project because Zach P. would do an extra project and he wants more points that Zach P.

15.  Explained to Jason that Zach P.’s mom has nothing to do but help him with homework, jog, and do her hair so she has time to help him. Thought about how much I don’t like Zach P.

16.  Picked Natalie up from dance and decided I needed new boots.

17.  Stopped at the mall and drug Natalie in to help me buy new boots.

18.  Tried on a shirt over a bulky sweater in the middle of JcPenney thinking I was grateful my daughter is not easily embarrassed. Bought the shirt.

19.  Went home and Dorothy told me she didn’t have her skirt for her choir concert tomorrow. Freaked out looking for it in all the hampers and laundry baskets. Ended up crying, crumpled on top of a pile of laundry in the corner.

20.  Texted my friend the psychologist to ask her if there is something clinically wrong with someone who can’t ever manage to get her laundry folded and put away. She assured me having five children and a fulltime job was not a diagnosable illness but it might require medication.